Just forget it, It will never be...

I don't know how we got here, mistakes we thought will be easily forgotten by the post make up, but there's a moment a point where it doesn't go away anymore -I guess-, and from there on is just a heap of discomfort that only adds up to the frustration of not having or getting what you want.

Disrespect takes over and becomes the norm, and we think it's funny, when in reality it feels like being beaten over and over again. No blaming upon each other, although that's the general tendency, which I'm also guilty of, but truth is we should know, or at least I do, we are both equally guilty as charge of this imminent and constant -I must say- falling apart.

I have made so many mistakes, my impulsiveness, my lack of judgment, my immaturity, not knowing better, we were so young, carrying old baggage, but of course you need to live, make mistakes in order to grow and then know better, to get to this point. I should have done things differently, so so many things differently, I wish I could get rid of some, but I can't, can I? I own my part,I know what I was going through. I felt alone, in a dark corner, no caring, no nothing, just a staggering feeling of abandonment day in and day out, I should have gone, I should have acted differently, take things into perspective and leave on my own.

How can I prove I'm good, how come he doesn't see the good on me? Am I maybe really Machiavellian as he thinks? No! and that's a resounding NO!, but thing is timing and lack of word processing in my brain have plagued my life ever since I can remember, and those are not good partners. I say things in the wrong order, at the wrong time, when deep inside my heart I know that's not what I meant. I wish to do or say things at a certain time to have certain meaning and purpose, but then I say or do them in the most unsuitable time possible making a mess out of something I thought it would be great. That's me, I guess there's nothing I can do about it, except doing and saying anything at all, that might work to my side.

I wish I could be perceived differently, the way I know I really am. I wish I could start all over again now, and have the person next to me dazzling by, thinking how lucky he is to have me next to him, amazed at how handy I am, how will I go over my way to please him.

I want love in my life, correction I am desperate for love and most importantly being loved, I need to feel the love of somebody for me, the caring, the thinking, the saying it out loud and constantly, at least for a while, and then keep it that way, with its ups and downs of course, but to keep it that way, to never tarnish my image in front of his eyes. I wish I could live differently, I don't want to be fighting over lost and past fights day after day, bickering over old arguments, lost cases for me, I wish to have stability, understanding, not having to discuss over hours to make my point through, without having him thinking "whatever you say, you're just plain mean" ...always the bad, I'm tired of it all.

Let's just keep standing still, I know where all will be going like this, separate corners, I have been avoiding closing myself up, but maybe that's the best to do for now.