I don't know how we got here, mistakes we thought will be easily forgotten by the post make up, but there's a moment a point where it doesn't go away anymore -I guess-, and from there on is just a heap of discomfort that only adds up to the frustration of not having or getting what you want.
Disrespect takes over and becomes the norm, and we think it's funny, when in reality it feels like being beaten over and over again. No blaming upon each other, although that's the general tendency, which I'm also guilty of, but truth is we should know, or at least I do, we are both equally guilty as charge of this imminent and constant -I must say- falling apart.
I have made so many mistakes, my impulsiveness, my lack of judgment, my immaturity, not knowing better, we were so young, carrying old baggage, but of course you need to live, make mistakes in order to grow and then know better, to get to this point. I should have done things differently, so so many things differently, I wish I could get rid of some, but I can't, can I? I own my part,I know what I was going through. I felt alone, in a dark corner, no caring, no nothing, just a staggering feeling of abandonment day in and day out, I should have gone, I should have acted differently, take things into perspective and leave on my own.
How can I prove I'm good, how come he doesn't see the good on me? Am I maybe really Machiavellian as he thinks? No! and that's a resounding NO!, but thing is timing and lack of word processing in my brain have plagued my life ever since I can remember, and those are not good partners. I say things in the wrong order, at the wrong time, when deep inside my heart I know that's not what I meant. I wish to do or say things at a certain time to have certain meaning and purpose, but then I say or do them in the most unsuitable time possible making a mess out of something I thought it would be great. That's me, I guess there's nothing I can do about it, except doing and saying anything at all, that might work to my side.
I wish I could be perceived differently, the way I know I really am. I wish I could start all over again now, and have the person next to me dazzling by, thinking how lucky he is to have me next to him, amazed at how handy I am, how will I go over my way to please him.
I want love in my life, correction I am desperate for love and most importantly being loved, I need to feel the love of somebody for me, the caring, the thinking, the saying it out loud and constantly, at least for a while, and then keep it that way, with its ups and downs of course, but to keep it that way, to never tarnish my image in front of his eyes. I wish I could live differently, I don't want to be fighting over lost and past fights day after day, bickering over old arguments, lost cases for me, I wish to have stability, understanding, not having to discuss over hours to make my point through, without having him thinking "whatever you say, you're just plain mean" ...always the bad, I'm tired of it all.
Let's just keep standing still, I know where all will be going like this, separate corners, I have been avoiding closing myself up, but maybe that's the best to do for now.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Why all the drama?
Ever since I can remember I have lived my life as if it was a movie, with a narrator in first person, meaning me narrating the whole story. I put music and that's the soundtrack, and if I'm on the streets with my ipod, that sets up the mood, and people around me become the movie's extras, it's like filming exteriors,and me, of course, in the starring role. But then I wonder why have I always felt different in a way from the rest of the people? They have emotions, their lives are roller coasters as well, why do I think my life has a different meaning, or is more transcendental, as I belong more to a movie than to real life?
Why all the drama? Why oh why? Maybe it has to do with my depressive side, or should it be the contrary and it takes it from my dreamer and more positive side?
Whatever the reason, I cannot help it, the drama is there, the stomachache, the feeling deeply bad for things that most of the time don't deserve the attention. I give things so much thought, regret having done things differently or better most of the time, why?? My mind is restless, it never stops thinking about just anything, it's like self brain-torture, I end up really tired sometimes.
I wish I could let go of everything, forget about the world, forgive myself for my mistakes, not be so hard at me. But it's my movie, maybe I'm leaning more towards a tragicomedy, rather than just entertainment, and is not fair, life is short as we all know, I should be having a ball, rather than torturing myself for everything I don't do properly.
For instance, I'm already questioning the quality of this post, what kind of significance can it have, how meaningless it really is, when all I wanted to do was just let go of this current anxiety that I'm going through.
Let it go Aura, it will be just fine!
Why all the drama? Why oh why? Maybe it has to do with my depressive side, or should it be the contrary and it takes it from my dreamer and more positive side?
Whatever the reason, I cannot help it, the drama is there, the stomachache, the feeling deeply bad for things that most of the time don't deserve the attention. I give things so much thought, regret having done things differently or better most of the time, why?? My mind is restless, it never stops thinking about just anything, it's like self brain-torture, I end up really tired sometimes.
I wish I could let go of everything, forget about the world, forgive myself for my mistakes, not be so hard at me. But it's my movie, maybe I'm leaning more towards a tragicomedy, rather than just entertainment, and is not fair, life is short as we all know, I should be having a ball, rather than torturing myself for everything I don't do properly.
For instance, I'm already questioning the quality of this post, what kind of significance can it have, how meaningless it really is, when all I wanted to do was just let go of this current anxiety that I'm going through.
Let it go Aura, it will be just fine!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
I want you back
I've been long thinking about writing again, I didn't want to do it here though; I know you can go anonymous and all, but still there's something scary about knowing that somebody can come here and read my deepest thoughts. I don't think I can even bring myself to write about those neither here or anywhere else, but anyway, I want to write back when I feel like it, and knowing I've been long forgotten by those who from time to time came to visit my blog, makes it easier for me to just write to the air, and let go to these thoughts from time to time.
I want my writing back, my ideas into written material. I want so many other things back as well...for instance my old self, or at least some aspects of it (some others thankfully have been so much improved). I want my inner joy back, I want to get rid of this anger, oh my this angst is just eating me up, and apparently there's not much I can do to control it, or at least for now.
I've always believed in writing as a therapy, same as crying, but I'm rooting more for the former, rather than spending hours crying to feel a bit better and being able to sleep after all the effort. Is just too painful for the body, all the sobbing and stuff, not to mention those post wrinkles that are sort of inevitable after those long hours of crying.
Writing seems much more rational - first-, and second much more fulfilling in some many ways.
I guess that'll be it for now. I'll talk about my angst, my accumulated hatred, why did I become like this? I don't want to blame anything but myself, because I shouldn't have let things or anybody affected me that much, but that's what I've been through. I hope it's not too late for me to look back, get to the root of this aching feeling, confront it and let it go, like a ghost.
Holding on to that thought till I feel like getting to that dark place.
Lovely sun today, I must say.
I want my writing back, my ideas into written material. I want so many other things back as well...for instance my old self, or at least some aspects of it (some others thankfully have been so much improved). I want my inner joy back, I want to get rid of this anger, oh my this angst is just eating me up, and apparently there's not much I can do to control it, or at least for now.
I've always believed in writing as a therapy, same as crying, but I'm rooting more for the former, rather than spending hours crying to feel a bit better and being able to sleep after all the effort. Is just too painful for the body, all the sobbing and stuff, not to mention those post wrinkles that are sort of inevitable after those long hours of crying.
Writing seems much more rational - first-, and second much more fulfilling in some many ways.
I guess that'll be it for now. I'll talk about my angst, my accumulated hatred, why did I become like this? I don't want to blame anything but myself, because I shouldn't have let things or anybody affected me that much, but that's what I've been through. I hope it's not too late for me to look back, get to the root of this aching feeling, confront it and let it go, like a ghost.
Holding on to that thought till I feel like getting to that dark place.
Lovely sun today, I must say.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
A little down, a little up back again !
I guess it's totally acceptable to feel down from time to time, although to be honest I have problems coping with this idea, as if there's someone to know the real reasons for feeling bad, that should be me.
We have all bore our crosses, for some they have been lighter than for others, but painful in their own right upon the person's experience scale. I've felt really shitty, for legitimate reasons, those being having undertaken chemo, going through hair loss, and so on, among many others. I don't mean to sound depressing, but to me those were reeeeal reasons for feeling bad, and not wanting to even wake up in the morning. So after having lived those experiences, it's no wonder that whenever somebody tells me that they feel bad because I don't know... they need money to get a pair of boobs, that they won't go to the beach because they're fat, or they are sad because they are bored to be inside the house because of the rain!@%#^, it gets me thinking "come on! Those are no reasons to be sad!!!"
All those are things you can do something about, but health, that's the only thing you have no control over, or at least only to at some extent. But then again, you cannot be so hard on yourself and people just because you went to a very rough period in life! You and the others have the right to feel shitty for whatever they want !
So, here I am, among the "silly" ones, complaining about whatever there is to complain: the rain, about being here bored, tired of this routine...and I'm not only feeling tired of this loop I'm living in, I feel guilty for feeling this way. Because in the end, I do like my life a lot, and have no complain about being at home raising my great baby, whose by the by, just made the most beautiful sound this very second!, so as I was saying, the only thing I'm sort of complaining about is how much I would like to have a door to do things for myself too.
Like going out in the evenings, to a movie, a drink...whatever. Not all the time, but I would like to have that freedom, I'm a mother (thank God!!) I know, but also a woman, and sometimes this woman inside me, cries out, and wants to get loose, to get dressed, put some makeup on, and hit the road !
Anyways, I'll blame it on the rain (like Mini Vanilly's song), it's all its fault! Let's blame Belgium LOL !!! That's my favorite culprit for just about everything !! jajaja It's not easy being alone in a foreign country I guess...
I'll be fine tomorrow, actually now, after having already vent a bit in here, I just looked to my right hand side, and what do I see? The most beautiful thing God, life could have given me!!! An amazing baby, who makes everything worth it, and daily gives me the best feeling in the world, the greatest reason to wake up in the mornings, and makes me want to get to a hundred years old to see him grow and become a great men (hopefully), and me there helping him in every way I can...all along the way !
We have all bore our crosses, for some they have been lighter than for others, but painful in their own right upon the person's experience scale. I've felt really shitty, for legitimate reasons, those being having undertaken chemo, going through hair loss, and so on, among many others. I don't mean to sound depressing, but to me those were reeeeal reasons for feeling bad, and not wanting to even wake up in the morning. So after having lived those experiences, it's no wonder that whenever somebody tells me that they feel bad because I don't know... they need money to get a pair of boobs, that they won't go to the beach because they're fat, or they are sad because they are bored to be inside the house because of the rain!@%#^, it gets me thinking "come on! Those are no reasons to be sad!!!"
All those are things you can do something about, but health, that's the only thing you have no control over, or at least only to at some extent. But then again, you cannot be so hard on yourself and people just because you went to a very rough period in life! You and the others have the right to feel shitty for whatever they want !
So, here I am, among the "silly" ones, complaining about whatever there is to complain: the rain, about being here bored, tired of this routine...and I'm not only feeling tired of this loop I'm living in, I feel guilty for feeling this way. Because in the end, I do like my life a lot, and have no complain about being at home raising my great baby, whose by the by, just made the most beautiful sound this very second!, so as I was saying, the only thing I'm sort of complaining about is how much I would like to have a door to do things for myself too.
Like going out in the evenings, to a movie, a drink...whatever. Not all the time, but I would like to have that freedom, I'm a mother (thank God!!) I know, but also a woman, and sometimes this woman inside me, cries out, and wants to get loose, to get dressed, put some makeup on, and hit the road !
Anyways, I'll blame it on the rain (like Mini Vanilly's song), it's all its fault! Let's blame Belgium LOL !!! That's my favorite culprit for just about everything !! jajaja It's not easy being alone in a foreign country I guess...
I'll be fine tomorrow, actually now, after having already vent a bit in here, I just looked to my right hand side, and what do I see? The most beautiful thing God, life could have given me!!! An amazing baby, who makes everything worth it, and daily gives me the best feeling in the world, the greatest reason to wake up in the mornings, and makes me want to get to a hundred years old to see him grow and become a great men (hopefully), and me there helping him in every way I can...all along the way !
Sunday, June 24, 2007
"Meme"
According to memetic theory, a meme (IPA: /me:me/, IPA: /me:m/ or IPA: /mi:m/) — a unit of cultural information, cultural evolution or diffusion — propagates from one mind to another analogously to the way in which a gene propagates from one organism to another as a unit of genetic information and of biological evolution. So with memes, some ideas will propagate less successfully and become extinct, while others will survive, spread, and, for better or for worse, mutate.
Sera que de aqui viene la palabra "meme"? Mi amiga Maie me envio esto para que lo llenara y supongo que puede tener algo que ver con lo de pasar ideas o en este caso encuestas de blog en blog...bueno sin mas a que hacer referencia a responder las preguntas:
1-Olores y sabores que me recuerdan mi infancia:
Sabores los helados de Efe "Morochos" de limonada y uvita y el bom bon, de fresa, chocolate y leche condensada. Olores no recuerdo ahora mismo ninguno en especial.
2- Personaje favorito de historieta o cuento que hubiese querido ser:
Me encantaba Lalabel la niña de las flores (que galla)jejeje y Punky Brewster, pensar que una vez hasta me amarre un pañuelo en la rodilla sobre los jeanes como ella lo hacia !!
3- Que animal quisiera ser?
Un ave quizas? No me lo he pensado...
4- Maña o manía que conservas desde la infancia
No tendria por donde empezar jejejeje soy una confesada OC, asi que mañas tengo para regalar !!! Pero una en particular, levantarme la punta de la nariz, sera que creo que asi me la voy a arreglar? jejejeje
5-Si volviera a la adolescencia que cambiaria
No haber sido tan galla la verdad, saber defenderme mas de los verdaremente gallos que se metieron conmigo en el colegio buhhh =S jejeje
6- Como imaginabas tu vida cuando niño?
Como ahora, casada con hijos.
7- Alguna vez se te ha escapado un sueño?
Si muchisimos, por falta de constancia y enfoque en realidad.
y...8- Como te gustaría que te recordaran tus hijos?
Como su mejor amiga, un ser abierto, sin tabues, con tremenda personalidad e idea bien formadas que no se convencia asi no mas en lo que le dijeran los demas. Como un ser que dedico todo su amor a ellos y su padre, y que hizo todo lo que pudo por dar lo mejor de ella. Sera mucho pedir??? =))
Sera que de aqui viene la palabra "meme"? Mi amiga Maie me envio esto para que lo llenara y supongo que puede tener algo que ver con lo de pasar ideas o en este caso encuestas de blog en blog...bueno sin mas a que hacer referencia a responder las preguntas:
1-Olores y sabores que me recuerdan mi infancia:
Sabores los helados de Efe "Morochos" de limonada y uvita y el bom bon, de fresa, chocolate y leche condensada. Olores no recuerdo ahora mismo ninguno en especial.
2- Personaje favorito de historieta o cuento que hubiese querido ser:
Me encantaba Lalabel la niña de las flores (que galla)jejeje y Punky Brewster, pensar que una vez hasta me amarre un pañuelo en la rodilla sobre los jeanes como ella lo hacia !!
3- Que animal quisiera ser?
Un ave quizas? No me lo he pensado...
4- Maña o manía que conservas desde la infancia
No tendria por donde empezar jejejeje soy una confesada OC, asi que mañas tengo para regalar !!! Pero una en particular, levantarme la punta de la nariz, sera que creo que asi me la voy a arreglar? jejejeje
5-Si volviera a la adolescencia que cambiaria
No haber sido tan galla la verdad, saber defenderme mas de los verdaremente gallos que se metieron conmigo en el colegio buhhh =S jejeje
6- Como imaginabas tu vida cuando niño?
Como ahora, casada con hijos.
7- Alguna vez se te ha escapado un sueño?
Si muchisimos, por falta de constancia y enfoque en realidad.
y...8- Como te gustaría que te recordaran tus hijos?
Como su mejor amiga, un ser abierto, sin tabues, con tremenda personalidad e idea bien formadas que no se convencia asi no mas en lo que le dijeran los demas. Como un ser que dedico todo su amor a ellos y su padre, y que hizo todo lo que pudo por dar lo mejor de ella. Sera mucho pedir??? =))
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Worst Blogger Ever !
It's official, I'm the worst blogger ever. People who commit to this, they try to post entries -at least- once a week, which was my ideal at the beginning, but it's been so long since I last wrote something that I didn't even remember where the "New Post" field was located in the screen, how much does that say?!
I could blame it on bad organization, wrong or right set of priorities, having a baby doesn't hurt to lack of time either, but first and foremost I guess my obsessive compulsiveness is the main culprit for my lack of time.
Granted, my mind is just not at ease when things are all over the place at home, or my kitchen and bathroom are anywhere near dirty. If I were just a "normal" person, leading a "normal" life, where a little bit of mess was allowed, I had all the time in the world not only to write in my blog, but to do other thousand things...well not a thousand, but I am now willing to admit I could be much more efficient at managing my time. While I wait to go to a shrink, I'll do my best to repeat to myself "it's OK to be a bit messy and no so crazily positioning things around the house".
People not suffering from this, might be quick in judging and ruling this as simple madness, well in all honesty I don't feel that far from defining it at such myself, but it's hard to fight with your own brain!
Well I could go on and on about this subject, but I don't feel particularly inspired in telling about my OC's (obsessive compulsiveness) quirks, nor I think they are any relevant in today's post.
Where there's a will there's a way, so I'll start to lighten my life up a bit by hiring some very needed help around the house, at least to do those things my poor and weakened lower back cannot. I'm hoping that that and some serious change in behavior form my part towards cleanliness, will open for a door where I can sit down while my baby sleeps and put some ideas together.
Just right now I must hurry and prepare dinner...so much for changing, right? LOL !!
I could blame it on bad organization, wrong or right set of priorities, having a baby doesn't hurt to lack of time either, but first and foremost I guess my obsessive compulsiveness is the main culprit for my lack of time.
Granted, my mind is just not at ease when things are all over the place at home, or my kitchen and bathroom are anywhere near dirty. If I were just a "normal" person, leading a "normal" life, where a little bit of mess was allowed, I had all the time in the world not only to write in my blog, but to do other thousand things...well not a thousand, but I am now willing to admit I could be much more efficient at managing my time. While I wait to go to a shrink, I'll do my best to repeat to myself "it's OK to be a bit messy and no so crazily positioning things around the house".
People not suffering from this, might be quick in judging and ruling this as simple madness, well in all honesty I don't feel that far from defining it at such myself, but it's hard to fight with your own brain!
Well I could go on and on about this subject, but I don't feel particularly inspired in telling about my OC's (obsessive compulsiveness) quirks, nor I think they are any relevant in today's post.
Where there's a will there's a way, so I'll start to lighten my life up a bit by hiring some very needed help around the house, at least to do those things my poor and weakened lower back cannot. I'm hoping that that and some serious change in behavior form my part towards cleanliness, will open for a door where I can sit down while my baby sleeps and put some ideas together.
Just right now I must hurry and prepare dinner...so much for changing, right? LOL !!
Thursday, May 3, 2007
I need to catch up !!!
My poor mind needs to drain so many accumulated thoughts !! But, apparently I'm not that good at organizing my time, or lack of, I get no free time, and the little I have is not like I can just start my inspiration engine out of the blue, or just after being tired cleaning, cooking, sweeping the floor...you know the overly underrated "house" duties I get so little credit for.
Hope to get some time today !!!
AG
Hope to get some time today !!!
AG
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