Just forget it, It will never be...

I don't know how we got here, mistakes we thought will be easily forgotten by the post make up, but there's a moment a point where it doesn't go away anymore -I guess-, and from there on is just a heap of discomfort that only adds up to the frustration of not having or getting what you want.

Disrespect takes over and becomes the norm, and we think it's funny, when in reality it feels like being beaten over and over again. No blaming upon each other, although that's the general tendency, which I'm also guilty of, but truth is we should know, or at least I do, we are both equally guilty as charge of this imminent and constant -I must say- falling apart.

I have made so many mistakes, my impulsiveness, my lack of judgment, my immaturity, not knowing better, we were so young, carrying old baggage, but of course you need to live, make mistakes in order to grow and then know better, to get to this point. I should have done things differently, so so many things differently, I wish I could get rid of some, but I can't, can I? I own my part,I know what I was going through. I felt alone, in a dark corner, no caring, no nothing, just a staggering feeling of abandonment day in and day out, I should have gone, I should have acted differently, take things into perspective and leave on my own.

How can I prove I'm good, how come he doesn't see the good on me? Am I maybe really Machiavellian as he thinks? No! and that's a resounding NO!, but thing is timing and lack of word processing in my brain have plagued my life ever since I can remember, and those are not good partners. I say things in the wrong order, at the wrong time, when deep inside my heart I know that's not what I meant. I wish to do or say things at a certain time to have certain meaning and purpose, but then I say or do them in the most unsuitable time possible making a mess out of something I thought it would be great. That's me, I guess there's nothing I can do about it, except doing and saying anything at all, that might work to my side.

I wish I could be perceived differently, the way I know I really am. I wish I could start all over again now, and have the person next to me dazzling by, thinking how lucky he is to have me next to him, amazed at how handy I am, how will I go over my way to please him.

I want love in my life, correction I am desperate for love and most importantly being loved, I need to feel the love of somebody for me, the caring, the thinking, the saying it out loud and constantly, at least for a while, and then keep it that way, with its ups and downs of course, but to keep it that way, to never tarnish my image in front of his eyes. I wish I could live differently, I don't want to be fighting over lost and past fights day after day, bickering over old arguments, lost cases for me, I wish to have stability, understanding, not having to discuss over hours to make my point through, without having him thinking "whatever you say, you're just plain mean" ...always the bad, I'm tired of it all.

Let's just keep standing still, I know where all will be going like this, separate corners, I have been avoiding closing myself up, but maybe that's the best to do for now.

Why all the drama?

Ever since I can remember I have lived my life as if it was a movie, with a narrator in first person, meaning me narrating the whole story. I put music and that's the soundtrack, and if I'm on the streets with my ipod, that sets up the mood, and people around me become the movie's extras, it's like filming exteriors,and me, of course, in the starring role. But then I wonder why have I always felt different in a way from the rest of the people? They have emotions, their lives are roller coasters as well, why do I think my life has a different meaning, or is more transcendental, as I belong more to a movie than to real life?

Why all the drama? Why oh why? Maybe it has to do with my depressive side, or should it be the contrary and it takes it from my dreamer and more positive side?

Whatever the reason, I cannot help it, the drama is there, the stomachache, the feeling deeply bad for things that most of the time don't deserve the attention. I give things so much thought, regret having done things differently or better most of the time, why?? My mind is restless, it never stops thinking about just anything, it's like self brain-torture, I end up really tired sometimes.

I wish I could let go of everything, forget about the world, forgive myself for my mistakes, not be so hard at me. But it's my movie, maybe I'm leaning more towards a tragicomedy, rather than just entertainment, and is not fair, life is short as we all know, I should be having a ball, rather than torturing myself for everything I don't do properly.

For instance, I'm already questioning the quality of this post, what kind of significance can it have, how meaningless it really is, when all I wanted to do was just let go of this current anxiety that I'm going through.

Let it go Aura, it will be just fine!

I want you back

I've been long thinking about writing again, I didn't want to do it here though; I know you can go anonymous and all, but still there's something scary about knowing that somebody can come here and read my deepest thoughts. I don't think I can even bring myself to write about those neither here or anywhere else, but anyway, I want to write back when I feel like it, and knowing I've been long forgotten by those who from time to time came to visit my blog, makes it easier for me to just write to the air, and let go to these thoughts from time to time.

I want my writing back, my ideas into written material. I want so many other things back as well...for instance my old self, or at least some aspects of it (some others thankfully have been so much improved). I want my inner joy back, I want to get rid of this anger, oh my this angst is just eating me up, and apparently there's not much I can do to control it, or at least for now.

I've always believed in writing as a therapy, same as crying, but I'm rooting more for the former, rather than spending hours crying to feel a bit better and being able to sleep after all the effort. Is just too painful for the body, all the sobbing and stuff, not to mention those post wrinkles that are sort of inevitable after those long hours of crying.

Writing seems much more rational - first-, and second much more fulfilling in some many ways.

I guess that'll be it for now. I'll talk about my angst, my accumulated hatred, why did I become like this? I don't want to blame anything but myself, because I shouldn't have let things or anybody affected me that much, but that's what I've been through. I hope it's not too late for me to look back, get to the root of this aching feeling, confront it and let it go, like a ghost.

Holding on to that thought till I feel like getting to that dark place.

Lovely sun today, I must say.