Why all the drama?

Ever since I can remember I have lived my life as if it was a movie, with a narrator in first person, meaning me narrating the whole story. I put music and that's the soundtrack, and if I'm on the streets with my ipod, that sets up the mood, and people around me become the movie's extras, it's like filming exteriors,and me, of course, in the starring role. But then I wonder why have I always felt different in a way from the rest of the people? They have emotions, their lives are roller coasters as well, why do I think my life has a different meaning, or is more transcendental, as I belong more to a movie than to real life?

Why all the drama? Why oh why? Maybe it has to do with my depressive side, or should it be the contrary and it takes it from my dreamer and more positive side?

Whatever the reason, I cannot help it, the drama is there, the stomachache, the feeling deeply bad for things that most of the time don't deserve the attention. I give things so much thought, regret having done things differently or better most of the time, why?? My mind is restless, it never stops thinking about just anything, it's like self brain-torture, I end up really tired sometimes.

I wish I could let go of everything, forget about the world, forgive myself for my mistakes, not be so hard at me. But it's my movie, maybe I'm leaning more towards a tragicomedy, rather than just entertainment, and is not fair, life is short as we all know, I should be having a ball, rather than torturing myself for everything I don't do properly.

For instance, I'm already questioning the quality of this post, what kind of significance can it have, how meaningless it really is, when all I wanted to do was just let go of this current anxiety that I'm going through.

Let it go Aura, it will be just fine!

I want you back

I've been long thinking about writing again, I didn't want to do it here though; I know you can go anonymous and all, but still there's something scary about knowing that somebody can come here and read my deepest thoughts. I don't think I can even bring myself to write about those neither here or anywhere else, but anyway, I want to write back when I feel like it, and knowing I've been long forgotten by those who from time to time came to visit my blog, makes it easier for me to just write to the air, and let go to these thoughts from time to time.

I want my writing back, my ideas into written material. I want so many other things back as well...for instance my old self, or at least some aspects of it (some others thankfully have been so much improved). I want my inner joy back, I want to get rid of this anger, oh my this angst is just eating me up, and apparently there's not much I can do to control it, or at least for now.

I've always believed in writing as a therapy, same as crying, but I'm rooting more for the former, rather than spending hours crying to feel a bit better and being able to sleep after all the effort. Is just too painful for the body, all the sobbing and stuff, not to mention those post wrinkles that are sort of inevitable after those long hours of crying.

Writing seems much more rational - first-, and second much more fulfilling in some many ways.

I guess that'll be it for now. I'll talk about my angst, my accumulated hatred, why did I become like this? I don't want to blame anything but myself, because I shouldn't have let things or anybody affected me that much, but that's what I've been through. I hope it's not too late for me to look back, get to the root of this aching feeling, confront it and let it go, like a ghost.

Holding on to that thought till I feel like getting to that dark place.

Lovely sun today, I must say.